Telephone
She begged and pleaded,
Beseeched and coddled,
stomped and pouted,
and then one day, mom ceded.
A new phone,
Peel off the plastic,
A picture of her dog as the background.
Week one: Freedom.
The mall, the park, the ice cream store.
Independence.
But check in with mom when you get there,
and on your way home.
After 2 weeks,
Her phone was sparkled
Bedazzled with gems,
Little hearts desperate to reflect the backlight.
Notice me!
But they are all the same colored plastic.
Teen Hearthrob replaces the puppy,
A colored hoodie and dark blue jeans the soccer shorts and t-shirt.
Her music,
Internet,
Social life,
GPS,
Photographs,
In one neat package, closed with a flip.
How did she live without it?
At the mall, she sits at a table, 3 friends in chairs.
Jeans alike, jackets alike, puffy boots alike,
Expressions of smug boredom alike.
Mom walks in to pick her up,
Which one is she?
She has to call and ask.
Huh. For some reason, I'm reminded of "Barbie Doll." Interesting picture you've drawn here Abbie-- I'd love to hear how this reflects your impression of the teenage girl's experience in general. I'm also curious about the syntax-- it seems to start off in a somewhat regular meter, but transitions to blank verse by the end. Is that meant to show the transition from childhood to maturity? In this case-- fractured maturity?
ReplyDeleteWould enjoy hearing more about this. :)
The diction doesn't seem as rich as I would normally expect from you but if that was intentional, let me know and we'll boost this a point.
9/10
Regarding the diction, the intent was to keep it simple. I wanted to depict the story of a young girl in the words of a young girl. The images were simple and straightforward, and I wanted to leave it that way. Regarding the structure, I wish I could say I thought a lot about that, but that seemed to be how it flowed out. I did intentionally try to get a fragmented sound and structure, especially towards the end, to depict the deconstruction of individuality and relationship. I'm totally fine with the grade as is, though, don't worry about changing it for one point. Just thought I'd give some explanation :)
ReplyDelete